Five words help describe the different stages of my journey with Him since 1998 – learning, understanding, realising, awakening and transforming.

Learning

The learning phase was when we first met along the shores of Mahabalipuram in 1998. He then said to show Him the hunger for change and He will feed me with the right path. Unfortunately for me, I was facing problems with my own intellect. Saheb – as I used to call Him then – continued to show that He was indeed with me but all He got was dullness, darkness and disturbance from me. On His way to New Zealand that year, on a stopover in Singapore He had come home for the very first time, but it was very unsettling for me. I think He came looking to find hopefulness in me but all He got was despair. The repair work went on all the way till 2003 when He came to Singapore for the staging of the Chandanbala drama and had come home to celebrate His birthday with us. I felt a connection was being made but without much commitment from my side.

Understanding

In 2005 during a shibir hosted just outside Singapore, the understanding phase started to sink in. On a few occasions during the satsangs, I began to understand that He was actually speaking to me and I began to feel some bhaav rising in me. A few months later I went through an intense period of helplessness. It really felt that everything in my life was falling apart. What I could never have imagined happening to me was indeed taking place. It was during these very dark moments that my understanding phase took off and for the first time in my life I started to pray regularly. His guiding force was so critical in helping me get out of my predicament and He gave me strength to believe in myself. He taught me not to be scared of failures and if I learnt from it and actually enjoyed these failures, then I would not fail! I went through this crisis to eventually find my own identity. This understanding phase taught me that what to choose in life is about what one wants in life. His hand was like a steering wheel in my life – guiding me in the right direction. I will never forget His support and patience, as He lifted me so I would learn to aim high once again. That year in December 2005 I made my first ever trip to Dharampur and then went on to do my first ever yatra with Him – to Palitana.

Realising

The realising phase is hard to pinpoint but after 2005 I began to feel the urge to see Him more. I tried to find every opportunity to come to India to meet Him and each time I did I began to realise the true wisdom of what He had been trying to tell me for the previous seven years. I remember Him saying, “Manyatano khel chhe” and it was His job to wake me up. This phase of realising took many years and few more trips with Him including the memorable and mesmerising yatra to Idar and Ranakpur in 2007. I still recall how happy I felt dancing on the terrace of the temple in Idar and Him smiling at me being happy. My faith and belief in Him were solidifying. I had begun to learn the art of manufacturing peace and happiness within myself. I began to accept the changes and it felt like a new me – being flexible and yet responsible. I felt I was leading a happier life. I learnt to adjust – gracefully and happily. I was learning the art of enjoying everything without the tension. I realised that what you become as a person by achieving your goals through passion, commitment and connection matters far more than what you get by achieving your goals. Attitude is what separates achievers from dreamers. That chilly night in December 2007 on the terrace of the Idar temple, in a way was a sense of realisation that the time had come to awaken and to start working towards a higher spiritual goal.

Awakening

The awakening phase of my journey with Bapa has been the most breathtaking process I have been through. This is the phase where I started becoming disciplined and developed strength for my progress in dharma and to start going on an inward journey. I started getting charged by just listening to His satsangs and an internal shift within me was taking place. Bapa had come specifically to Singapore to our new home, which He so lovingly called, “Raj Mahal,” for pratishtha in 2008. It was the single most magical and mystical event I had ever experienced. Words cannot describe the intense positive energy that my whole family felt and for reasons that were not clear then, He then decided on an unplanned overnight stay at our home disrupting His own schedule, resulting in a chaotic change to make adjustments. Some weeks later I had an almost fatal accident with a massive head injury coupled with fractured vertebrae. I realised that He had stayed back for me. In those 12 extra hours that He had stayed back, I had done nothing but He did everything. This was my awakening call that my Sadguru has come into my life and He had been sending smoke signals all these years, and the time has come to gladly accept them. Within a few weeks I flew to New York to get His darshan and to show Him that the internal shift in thinking had indeed taken place. My faith and belief in Him became unshakeable. This awakening phase went on with me freezing in divinity in New York, learning that all these years He had given me His shoulder to rest on and it was time I awoke to experience the Divine.

Transforming

The transforming phase of my experience remains work in progress. It will require cutting and shaping me in such a way that I’ll be able to fit, in order to elevate myself to a higher purpose. I am positively enthusiastic and have learnt to accept that transformation is inevitable as my Guru’s Grace is with me. I remember Him blessing me in Matheran in 2011 on my 50th birthday. The urge for romance with the Divine has entered a one-way street with no turning back. I am indeed passionately committed and focused on a higher purpose. To my dearest Bapa – the vacuum that was there in 1998 is finally in a position to be filled, as I enjoy getting transformed and elevated.